so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
