I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
