i need an iv and a liver transplant
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
