do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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