she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
