Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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