the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
