tonight lets celebrate not being married
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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