Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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