so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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