tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize