I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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