i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
