i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have aggressive nipples.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
