They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
