no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
