Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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