Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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