You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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