I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
