seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
