I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
What drink are we having for lunch?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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