I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
