I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
