I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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