mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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