I'm eating all of the evidence.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
