so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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