We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
