dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
