My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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