There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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