Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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