apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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