Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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