does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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