it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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