Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
