How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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