It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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