he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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