I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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