6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
