I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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