3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
