Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
