I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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