you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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