So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she smelled like a LAN party
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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