Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
