I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
