I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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