I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
